Marriage and family therapist Catherine Hastings, PhD, who practices in Lancaster, Pa., says it’s important for dual-hospitalist couples to remember that the relationship needs attention, just as physician careers do.
“It’s very easy to talk about your job when you are in the same profession, but you can easily get consumed by that and let your personal relationships take a back seat,” Dr. Hastings explains. “Couples may look upon conversation about work as ‘brainstorming’ or problem-solving together, but that can also take over.” Hospitalist couples need to be aware that they should plan to be a couple as rigorously as they plan for their jobs, she adds.
Dr. Meltzer doesn’t think that he and his wife consciously delineate between work and personal conversation. “We certainly talk about things that don’t involve work, but we do not say, ‘We will absolutely not talk about work,’ ” he says. “That’s like saying there is not an elephant in the room.”
It didn’t bother the Gundersens that their work came home to a certain extent, says Liz. Even so, to avoid the temptation to “try and churn through all of our work over dinner,” she began scheduling meetings through Jasen’s secretary to discuss work issues.
“When we’re working, we’re doing so full-on,” Jasen says. “But then, we are definitely known for taking recovery time,” which includes skiing vacations and spending weekends on their boat in order to recharge.
Margaret Fang and Bradley Sharpe
Drs. Meltzer and Arora have traveled extensively together for both work and fun. On a trip last year, they traveled to China to a medical school partnered with their own to give talks. They even lengthened their stay to visit the Great Wall of China and toured Beijing and Shanghai.
Dr. Fang considers her husband the “uber-scheduler” in their relationship. “We very consciously build quality time with each other into our schedules,” she says. Without children, for the moment, they also have the free time to grab dinner spontaneously.
Parents First, Physicians Second
Time together as a couple is a scarcer commodity when a dual-hospitalist couple has children. With a pair of pre-teens who are involved in competitive swimming, Drs. Wark and Whitcomb have a two-hour block of time they need plan into their schedule three to four evenings a week.
“We’ve got a built-in babysitter called the YMCA swim team,” Dr. Wark jokes. They also run together several times a week, an activity they use to reconnect. “You have to figure out ways to grow together, to develop and have interests and activities that are specific to the relationship and not related to the kids,” Dr. Whitcomb says. “And if you don’t grow together, you’ll grow apart.”
Drs. Dandu and Afshar, who married in 2003, are just beginning to reacquaint themselves with their adult social lives, she says, now that their daughter is two and a half. “Sometimes we make time to have ‘date night,’ but sometimes it’s just us getting together with our adult friends,” she says.
With or without children, dual-hospitalist couples’ passion for their profession is intertwined with their successful marriages. “Being a physician,” Jasen Gundersen says, “is not just a vocation; it’s part of who you are.”
Dr. Dandu describes it this way: “Our life at home and our life at work are very melded.”