Hospitologist Metrics
Length of stay (LOS) is an important metric for any hospitologist. LOS less than eight days may be a measure of poor performance, though we frequently see a four-day, three-night weekend admission for the busy executive.
The 30-day readmission rate is also worth following, as a happy visitor will want to return to the healing environment.
Cost per admission is of no importance; hospitologists live to serve, and finances are just a distraction from our duties. Money is the root of all evil, and hospitologists are well rooted.
Hospitologists rely heavily on EBM—experience-based medicine. Statistics can lie, but a happy smiling patient remains the proof in the hospitologist’s pudding. (Multiple flavors are available; see the menu.)
Organized Medicine and Certification
Like all good practitioners of new specialties, the hospitologists of America are well represented. The original organization was called Hospitology Organization of Haversend, Ohio (HOHO), which merged with the Hospitologist Organization of Rybeck, N.Y., (HORNY), to form the American Clinical Hospitology Organization (ACHOO), Gesundheit.
The current CEO of ACHOO Gesundheit is Moe Larryundcurly. He has represented the organization for several years and has been acknowledged by his peers to be “outstanding,” though at the time, they were all “in” and “sitting.”
The move for Bored Certification is in the air for ACHOO Gesundheit. Every hospitology program wants to have certified hospitologists. The ABIM (American Bored of Internal Medicine) and the ACP (Association of Credentialed Persons) have generally been supportive of Bored Certification, despite distraction from rival groups, such as the Socialist Generic Inpatient Medicos and other nefarious organizations.
Criteria for Bored Certification includes the following: Being bored at committee meetings, providing room and board for me when I visit, and the ability to tolerate being bored stiff, to death, and to tears.
The Future
The future is bright for hospitologists. Changes in Medicare billing, support from the hotel industry, and association with other “ologists,” such as cosmetologists and herpetologists, will only make the group stronger. Major threats to the specialty include tort law, outcomes analysis, and my brother Seymour, the crooked shyster lawyer.
Next time you go to the hospital to be “healed,” ask for a hospitologist! TH
*Hospitologist in practice
Conflict of interest statement: Dr. Newman does not own 25% of common shares of Hospitologists Incorporated (HI), although his wife does.
Jamie Newman, MD, FACP, is the physician editor of The Hospitalist, consultant, Hospital Internal Medicine, and assistant professor of internal medicine and medical history, Mayo Clinic College of Medicine, Rochester, Minn.